rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
