I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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