judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
