Apparently you make a good broom.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
