I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
