my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
