im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
