i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
