pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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