Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
