the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
