He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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