you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
