my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize