Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just found puke in my bra..
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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