Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize