i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
