New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
