I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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