how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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