my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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