I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm getting married
To pizza
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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