If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
