A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
