There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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