i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
