my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish you could order shots online.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize