Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
