Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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