all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
