4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize