You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
