Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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