Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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