i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
