I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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