This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
