someone get that fucking seahorse.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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