Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
