he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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