....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
