When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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