My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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