The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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