just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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