Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
