I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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