I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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