Your dad touched me again.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Dick very happy bro
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
