So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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