Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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