okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
