After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize