Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
