This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
