you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
