did you get engaged???
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Randomize
