So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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