I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
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