you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
