Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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