I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
