you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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