I want to walk on stilts...naked
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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