i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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