i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize