I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
