I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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