Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
