respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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