Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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