Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
