I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
