Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
